Jersey Shore | “We Fucking Love You”

A love note to Jersey Shore and its impossibly amoral/irrational/self-involved cast (and realistically the show’s editors).

The people that populate the Jersey Shore are the worst people on earth or are the most honest representation of people since the Ancient Romans. They are decadent and overly sexualized and the only true concern they have revolves around their vanity. Lives filled with a daily agenda of working at a boardwalk shop leading up to the inevitable nightly booze and ‘creeping’. ‘Creeping’ an apt if not overly revealing description of nightly activities involving the picking up of ladies. The term creeping seems very honest seeing that grown men are attempting to convince women who are not in there proper state in order to have hot tub time with them. Creeping seems to be the New Jersey equivalent of asshole who takes advantage of young women who have had too much to drink.

The first time ‘The Situation’ actually bags a lady friend of his in the house’s hot tube only he does so while a house mate watches with another woman. But that is beside the point, the girl that was a little bit lit at the club was lubricated further with a bottle of champagne, so much so that after the water sports have ended she stumbled and fell while walking down some steps into the house. Classy?
Jersey Shore is either the most explicit example of a culture that revolves around the pleasures of excess the likes of which has not been seen since the reason behind the invention of the Roman amphitheater’s vomitorium. Or it’s just the result of a group of people who were captured on camera while on vacation doing things they would not be doing in another situation. It would be unfair to judge the cast of Jersey Shore solely based on how they appear to behave on the show and rather take what you’ve seen and chalk it up to MTV’s editing room and a few weeks of youthful drunken debauchery.

Here's what we love about the show:

Post-Drinking meals and the confused conversations ensue.

The obvious confusion the cast has in understanding the term classy. Can you judge what is classy when you yourself are nowhere near qualified to make that distinction?

Male vanity and female violence. Who knew it was ok to assault other people as long as you are a girl. And when did it become the norm for men to spend more time refining their bodies and clothing choices than their female counterparts?

Top Midseason Shows To Watch In 2010

The midseason has some pretty good shows on both network and cable. There are some series premieres and returning shows that are worth a look, if you didn‘t know about them already. So here is the list of the top shows to begin in midseason 2010.

1. Human Target

The top of the list is promising little show called Human Target. This is a concept show brought to us by Fox in which every episode plays out like an action movie. It has great cast: Mark Valley from Fringe and Boston Legal, Chi McBride from Pushing Daisies, and Jackie Earle Haley from Watchmen. It looks to be good popcorn fun with its action and explosions. The only thing could go wrong with this show is if it’s budget is cut in the future, since it relies on the expensive looking action.

2. Party Down

This underrated HBO comedy follows a catering service comprised of failed and aspiring actors, comedians, and writers from party to party. Entering its second season, Party Down is a very funny dark comedy, and although it takes a few episodes to get used to it, there is a lot of payoff.

3. Treme

Musicians in New Orleans. Doesn’t sound too compelling, but it is made by The Wire creators and stars the actor who played “Bunk” on it, who was arguably the greatest character of the series. So, good to check it out.

4. Lost

It’s supposedly the final season and the secrets will be revealed. Why not watch it?

5. 24

I don’t know about you people, but I need my Jack Bauer fix, and I definitely need to see him kill one thousand people in one day.

6. Breaking Bad

It’s a very interesting drama about a meth cooking duo. It has great acting and story. The third season should be good since the last one ended with Walt (the meth cooker) inadvertently causing a plane crash and many deaths.

7. Sons of Tucson

A group of kids hire a slacker to pretend to be their father to avoid foster care. This new comedy stars the man who played Sock on Reaper. Since that character was great and he seems to be playing the exact same one in this show, it’s worth checking out.

8. Southland

This gritty police drama which was recently dropped it network and then picked up by TNT is re-airing the first season before the new one, but the more explicit cable version of the first season. Now that it’s on a cable network, Southland should offer a lot to it’s viewers.

9. Justified

Timothy Olyphant (Deadwood) stars as another sheriff in a small town, but this time its set in modern times. It’s Deadwood in a contemporary setting.

Not very good shows to watch: Chuck, The Tudors, Caprica

Steven Seagal’s Lawman | What Do You Want See In Future Episodes of Lawman

Is anyone else loving the shit out of Steven Seagal’s Lawman? “That’s right… Steven Seagal.” I just caught up on some older episodes and man there is just something entertaining about Steven Seagal as a real life ‘reserve’ sheriff. And I know what it is that makes this show so fun to watch. Seagal is a weirdo, that’s right he’s stSteven Seagal Collection: 4 Film Favorites - Under Siege / The Glimmer Man / Above the Law / Fire Down Belowrange. No one ever said that actors in general were everyday salt of the earth type people. They have to be kind of strange otherwise we wouldn’t want to watch them so much. According to Seagal he has been training dogs to fight since he was a child for ‘protection’. And in the episode where the lawman was working with a new dog, training him to attach along side another dog that Seagal has had since he was a pup, Seagal makes it a point to say that the dogs need to get used to him being aggressive towards a home invader. Then they ran through an exercise where Seagal, and his two German Sheppard’s collectively attack one of the dog trainers. It wasn’t exactly the perfect display of a man/beast killing machine but it was still fun to watch.

There is another thing which is very funny about Seagal’s interactions with the community that he helps police. Every time he and his crew of geriatric auxiliary police officers pull over an African America man, once the detainee recognizes Seagal they always insist that they don’t like his movies but some old female family member does. “My grandma she loves you”, “My wife… she loves your movies, she has them all”, I take it that older African-American women have a real Steven Seagal fetish. Maybe, it is just a way for the people he pulls over to bust his balls a bit, or there is a secret society of elderly African-American women dedicated to the film catalogue of Steven Seagal. These are the things that keep us coming back and watching more of the Lawman in action. Who knows what else will be revealed about the mysterious Steven Seagal by this show?

What we would like to see in future episodes of Lawman:

• Mr. Seagal in a firefight with an armed assailant

• Mr. Seagal getting into an unarmed fight with an assailant

• Mr. Seagal running after an assailant

• Here more weird stories from his past, in particular the one about him getting into a fight with Jean-claude van dam at Sylvester Stallone’s house back in 1997 (It happened people and I want to hear about it)

• Steven Seagal’s family, is anyone else interested in seeing his family, he always says that he is a family man but we have only seen his dogs. Are his dogs the family he is talking about? Or, this is our theory… every member of his family has a ponytail, and that’s why they won’t show them on the show, I’m sure of it. Hopefully a future episode will confirm these suspicions of a ponytail filled family tree.

The Best TV Characters Of The '00s

The decade is almost at a close and it’s time to look back at the last ten years of TV’s best characters. Unlike other lists of the same sort, this one consists only of characters that were introduces within the ‘00s. So, here is Keep Up TV Tome’s list of TV’s best characters for the ‘00s.

‘Admiral William Adama’ BSG
‘Dr. Gaius Baltar’ BSG
‘Leoben Conoy’ BSG
‘Lora Roselyn’ BSG
‘James “Sawyer” Ford’ Lost
‘Dawn Draper’ Mad Men
‘Roger Sterling’ Mad Men
‘Jesse’ Breaking Bad
‘Lew Ashby’ Californiacation
‘Hank Moody’ Californication
‘Wash’ Firefly
‘Gregory House’ House
‘Dexter Morgan’ Dexter
‘Charlie Day’ It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
‘Clay Morrow’ Sons Of Anarchy
‘River’ Firefly
‘Alpha’ Dollhouse
‘Eric Northmen’ True Blood
‘Jonny Drama’ Entourage
‘David Brent’ The Office
‘Seth Bullock’ Deadwood
‘Mr. Wu’ Deadwood
‘Al Swearengen’ Deadwood
‘Trixie’ Deadwood
‘Ellsworth’ Deadwood
‘Sheila Keefe’ Rescue Me
‘Joan Holloway Harris’ Mad Men
‘Walter Bishop’ Fringe
‘Sock’ Reaper
‘Denny Crain’ Boston Legal
‘Alan Shore’ Boston Legal
‘George “Job” Bluth II’ Arrested Development
‘Rodney McKay’ Stargate Atlantis
‘Dean Winchester’ Supernatural
‘Doug Wilson’ Weeds

Brittany Murphy Dies At 32

It was recently announced that actress Brittany Murphy has died from a cardiac arrest at age 32. People can speculate as to why this happened, but as it stands it seems she has died from cardiac arrest. Brittany was reported to have been fired from her last film project and on account of that had been the but end of many late night talk show hosts since then. It is a shame that she passed away, especially around the Holiday season. Condolences all around to her family, friends and fans.

Her Most Memorable Films Were:
Clueless
Cherry Falls
Just Married
Don't Say A Word
Boys Don't Cry
Sin City

The Best Episodes of Paranormal State | Which Ones & Why

There are few people familiar with Paranormal State, it has a steady cult following and with the new season about to start it will be interesting to see if the show will gain more popularity. It is filmed in a documentary style with narration often provided by the team’s leader, in a kind of overly optimistic narrative usually in regards to the battle of good versus evil. Unlike shows like Ghost Hunters or Ghost Lab, Paranormal State has both a technical way of investigation and a spiritual/religious way of investigation. The show follows the invitations of a paranormal research community that is based out of Penn State University lead by Ryan Buell. The investigators will set up the now traditional array of cameras and sensors in hopes of catching a ghoul on film. On the other side of the investigatory spectrum is the use of mediums and spiritual ceremonies to either expel or release spirits or anything supernatural in nature. That’s what makes Paranormal State much creepier than your average ghost hunting show. The incantations and prayers used to ward off evil spirits along with a medium making claims of being touched by ‘something’ or sensing that something is angry or evil in the room, along with the seemingly authentic fear in the (perhaps gullible) members that make up the team, adds to the show. The most common medium they use on the show is Chip Coffee, who is overly dramatic and gives the most ambiguous readings, though, he is very entertaining… you have to admit that.
Now don’t be confused, this show and its investigations are most likely over dramatized for the purposes of television and the original suspicious activities that led the team to investigate in the first place are usually based off of the fearful ramblings of people who seem ready to believe anything.
There are some episodes of the show which really are spooky and entertaining. These are the episodes I thought were very entertaining and should serve as an introduction to those who have not yet watched an episode of the show.

Mothman: Why the Mothman episode, it’s interesting and the stories given by the town’s people during the episode sound insane, but so may people say they saw the same thing. And how the episode ends off is almost laughable, with Chip Coffee declaring a presence, as usual, but one of pure intelligence. It was creepy and as a skeptic, pretty funny.

The Devil in Syracuse: This episode is all about a demonic possession in a trailer park, and the highlight is when the subject of the investigation and the one being possessed declares, yes declares during the exorcism “Get out of my body!”, need I say more.

Church of the Damned: The Team investigated a condemned Church that is being renovated by a group of people until they are too terrified to continue. The Team finds evidence of devil worship that has been conducted in the abandoned structure. The best part is when Ryan the team leader is ‘attacked’ by something in the Church.

Room & Board: The Team investigates another cabin in the woods but this time the last occupant committed suicide. It is also revealed that the now deceased tenant was a transvestite and a heavy practitioner of occult rituals. This one is kind of funny and kind of sad, but entertaining none the less.

Californication Season Three | The Worst Season With The Best Ending

For the sticklers and crybabies this post will be full of spoilers, so if you are still working on a backlog of previous episodes from season three stop reading, or not. I don’t care, I love to spoil. The most revealing part of the season comes at its end but there is another moment which speaks to the character of out beloved drunken writer of a protagonist Hank Moody that comes in the form of a meal. For a person to claim that they know someone loves them by the fact they are will to make them breakfast is truly telling. Love is an egg in the hole for Hank, made by his lady love Karen. There were other storylines of little consequence played out this season. Starting with…

Hank and Karen: One is in California while the other is in the NYC for at least half of the season allowing Hank to whore about with the ladies of his choosing.
Hank becomes a university professor when he eggs a fellow writer and professor into drinking at a dinner (hosted by his daughter’s BFF’s parents who are also faculty at a local University). Not wise, with what seemed like gentle nudging to have a good time, turns into a full blown and at some point’s fully nude binge drinking extravaganza, forcing the professor into rehab leaving an open spot in the University. Luckily, Hank is there to fill this hole (no pun intended) the professor left in his absents and there is the bulk of season three of Californication.
Various situations revolving around Hank sticking his wee hank into women he shouldn’t be. Those on this bang list for this season, the Dean’s Wife, Hank’s Teaching Aid, A Busty Coed/Stripper who was played by Susan Sarandon’s daughter, and of course Hank’s life long lover.

Sub Plots:
They include Charlie’s professional and private problems, e.g. being seduced by his employer i.e. the lady from Romancing The Stone. He also has to deal with a forgotten Teen heart throb as a client none other than Rick Springfield, who coincidentally was Runkle’s wife’s teen crush. Marcie, Charlie’s soon-to-be divorced wife, actually starts to see Springfield creating a bit of tension between client and agent. There is nothing like fucking Rick ‘the dick’ Springfield banging your estranged wife to put a damper on your mood.
Also, Hank’s daughter has a few storylines of her own, involving drinking mushrooms and a bit of sex. Nothing to mind blowing, Becca essentially is the only thing keeping Hank on the straight and narrow and acts as an anchor for Hank throughout the season and the series as a whole keeping him from straying too far.

The Season itself seemed to rely to heavily on its former glory, in episodes of season three they actually reminisce about long past episodes and the highjinks they committed. That would have been fine, but they never topped those events e.g. The Squirt-er episode, the episode where Hank banged a dinner guest on Karen and her fiancé’s bed only to vomit all over it and a valuable painting, and lets not forget the only other character on this show to out man-whore Hank, Lew Ashby, possible the best character to come out of the series.
(Big Spoilers Beyond This Point)
The Climax of the season came very late, and kind of revealed the season to be a big tease season as a whole, only leading up to the very important game changing final episode. In which, the young miss who seduced Hank in the show’s first episode, only to iconically punch him in the face as she came, returns after a book tour. She was on this whirlwind tour with a book that Hank wrote about their accidental/violent time together and the good times that ensued. The young Miss, Mia Cross, wants to come clean after a year of bullshitting her way through interviews about the book she did not write and could not write, to the media. But by revealing the fact that she and Hank hooked up while she was still of grounding age, could and did destroy his family and land Hank in jail. In great dramatic form, all of these issues come to the surface, compounded by the fact that Hank beat the shit out of Mia’s manager/older boyfriend, leading to his more immediate arrest. But not before Hank could return to his long time lady Karen, to confess his misdeeds. All this happens to occur right before Hank is about to leave the city he despises with the people he loves the most, to go to the city from which Hank is actually from and doesn’t hate. Hank can never have a happy ending and the viewers of this show know that. It’s because we don’t want to see Hank happy; we like to see him in the mud, fucking, punching and the like. At least Hank will have some time to write while in jail.